


Deep in the Ground, Dreaming of Stars

by ReysLilMonster (TerraCrystallis)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fantasy, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love/Hate, Pain, Post-Canon, Redemption, Romance, Rough Sex, Self-Discovery, Smut, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 12:54:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13682097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerraCrystallis/pseuds/ReysLilMonster
Summary: In the aftermath of Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi, Rey is picking up the pieces. She's trying to replenish the Resistance's ranks, but Kylo Ren wants something from her, and he isn't backing down. Maybe they can compromise, but instead, both are left in the dark. Their Force bond has torn them apart. How will Rey see him again? When they finally meet, will it be as enemies or accomplices?





	1. The Roots That Survived the Fire & Sheltered the Grave

The water coating a hidden staircase sprayed up the skirt of Rey's chiffon dress as she hurried down them. She pressed her back to the stone wall at the bottom, the city waterway fed through a worn arch beside her. As she caught her breath and relaxed into the wall, she found it unexpectedly warm, her back curving against it. A gentle touch spread over her shoulders to her collarbones and her breath hitched in her throat. Two thumbs pressed against her back. Her neck stiffened; a wave rippled its way up her hips to her shoulders; the sensation had come as such a shock that she nearly forgot what she was weeping for. More than anything, she wanted to reach for the saber – the broken saber – but she twisted her body away, crossing her arms in an 'X' over her chest.

“Don't you dare touch me...” she said breathlessly.

“It didn't seem to bother you before,” a steady voice said and echoed down the pitch black tunnel.

Against the wall, visible only to Rey in the shadow of the bridge was a slender, hooded man. Of course he would reach out to her, then, while her emotions were out on display, practically propelling themselves into the Force. His timing couldn't have been worse.

Rey wiped the tears from her cheeks. Her black dress exposed her round, firm shoulders, the heat of her tanned skin deepened by freckles. The phantom across from her placed one foot forwards, the light of the overcast sun revealing the curves of his chiselled face and weightless black waves of hair as he brushed back his hood.

Rey's jaw stiffened. “I **don't** want to talk to you. I thought I'd made that part clear,” she said with a fiery intensity in her eyes, barely able to speak the last words with a teary lump in her throat.

“I'm not here to make your life any worse than it already is.”

Rey shot him a glare; she wished she could physically push him into the water. She didn't want to look at him or be reminded of him at all. His presence only reopened the wound of what he'd done. Why did he have to look at her with the expression of a cracked ? Like he could be knocked over by a light breeze – her breeze – yet he could steel himself anything else.

“That's a little ironic, coming from you.” She folded her arms over her chest. Goosebumps trailed across her arms knowing his brown eyes that shone topaz in the sunlight could trace every detail of her silhouette.

“Take your jabs. I don't mind...” he said, his damp lips parted. Calmly, he removed his leather gloves.

“Oh, there'll be lots of that when I see you again, and put an end to the path of destruction you _chose_ to burn through my life and the lives of my friends.”

“Do you really feel that's what you should do? I might not be able to read your thoughts anymore, Rey, but you're projecting a lot onto me; more than just thoughts. Whatever this feeling is coming off of you, it's not hatred.”

“What would you know? Do you even _need_ to feel hatred anymore in order to murder honest people? Or is it just something you do on a whim?”

Kylo's upper lip twitched; he adjusted his frayed black scarf and pulled it well below his chin. “You need a better way to channel your emotions. If you don't, you'll lose sight of everything - everyone. You still need a teacher, and...I'm the only one standing who can fill that role.”

“...How can **you** tell me what _I_ need? I _had_ a teacher. He could've taught me so much. He's dead. He's dead because of you.”

“Please, accept my offer. I _need_ to make it up to you,” he said through gritted teeth. “What I did...and what he did – it can't be undone, I know. But you made me see that there was much more to it than that. Rey, listen,” he said, reaching his hand out, but Rey retreated. She knew if the heel of her flat shoe shifted back any further, she would slip into the current. “I thought the rage I felt over losing you would swallow me whole. I had no plan. I lacked control. After Luke returned to the Force, I felt something I hadn't felt in years...your pain was so overpowering that my own thoughts were like sand in comparison. I knew I had to get back to you and that something had to change. The fact that you even allowed me to reach out this far tells me I made the right choice.”

Rey lowered her brow as she glanced down at the raindrops making tiny circles as they dropped into the reflection of mossy stone under Kylo's boots. “I don't need a teacher, and I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't know the definition of a moral compass.”

“You don't trust me. Then, meet me in person. I'll lay down my weapon for you.”

“What? Is that supposed to mean something? It doesn't mean anything to me. Just **stay** away,” she said, but her shaken words were anything but a command. “Stay away, Kylo.”

“You're a terrible liar.”

Kylo turned to search his surroundings. _Was he outside?_ Rey narrowed her eyes. Where was he? A wave of emotion drove through her body like a heavy barrage of wind. What could have knocked her completely off balance, heavy and deranged from the outside, became a nauseous flutter in her stomach as Kylo moved closer. His cloak brushed gently against her arm.  
The tiny hairs clinging to her arms, covered in mist, made her hypersensitive to the pure emotion brushing past her. She quickly decided against giving the feeling its own name.

Tight-lipped and blinking up at him, heat pawed its way up Rey's chest with each heartbeat as his dark eyes bore into hers with striking confidence. They showed no struggle; she knew he wanted her to give more of the raw and painfully obvious despair threatening to shake her roots. Of all the memories she could give life to, the ones of Ben were the most immediate ones to unfold. Instead of a furious dance of footprints smeared in the snow with skittish feet, their fingers had touched, reaching out as far as they could, if only for a brief moment. Her fingertips burned for what they could no longer do; the connection she had to move on from.

“I was going to wait, so we could be face to face, but...” his voice softened to a whisper; the whisper of a prince who once nearly made Rey hand over her best-kept secrets. She'd grown so comfortable with keeping them; they had no business sharing a room with that man.

“It seems like you're not willing to co-operate.”

Ben closed the distance between their bodies. His eyes wandered up her chest to meet hers, but she avoided his hard stare. Unconsciously, she reached out towards his black overcoat. She waited as his finger slowly traced the underside of her jaw. His long fingers against her skin were like ice, but the warm breath invading her mouth was hot and quivering. His thumb travelled to her chin and he held her red cheeks – deepening in colour – as their lips clashed. His eyes were closed peacefully; was that how he looked when he slept? He pushed his lips against hers insistently; harder, deeper. His soft black waves tickled her neck; their torsos were so close that her hip-bones were pressed against him and she fought with the heat gathering between her legs. What if he noticed? Was he that sensitive to her that he would know immediately?

When her eyes fluttered open and he gently peeled his lips away, she was alarmed by her heavy heartbeat. Why did she let him get so close? Did he sense her fear? How could he not? It was right there. His pull was so magnetic; not from the Dark Side, but from somewhere even more terrifying that had never even occurred to Rey. His fingers latched around her wrist; she looked at him, horrified, and freed herself before he could make his next move. The rough gesture caused her bracelet to fall apart. Jade beads rolled across the stone ground and disappeared into the thick darkness of the swaying waterway.

“No,” she whispered as if only she could hear, tears wetting her face again. She ran up the stairs; her skirt dragging across the damp ground as she went.

“Rey...” Kylo stuttered. The muscles of his abdomen tensed as he re-realized the silent surroundings of his quarters. His eyes were bloodshot, his hands empty. He was so close...so close. _“Rey, no!!”_ he cried out. The rage flooding his heart numbed any sense of who could be outside; he managed to lower his voice to a whisper. _“You were so close...so close.”_ His hand balled into a fist _;_ his skin whitened, stretching over his knuckles. _“You were right there.”_

  
  


 

 

 


	2. The Spark Incarnate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the Finalizer, Kylo Ren is left to face his current reality, still plagued by a past ripe with death and chaos.

 

“I can find the girl – I can locate them.”

“Can you really, before the rest of the ship crumbles to bits?” Hux spat. The General's gaze returned to the complex grid of illuminated red buttons on the control panel.

“So you think you can accomplish the same thing without me? You don't know how to command this Finalizer without a crew. You have no place in the pit at all, _Private_.”

“How _dare_ you!?”

“Does anyone disagree with me?” Kylo Ren asked. Crew members craned their necks in Kylo's direction but their expressions remained blank. “Do you remember the Praetorian Guards? It looked to me like they knew exactly what was expected of them. They fought to protect Snoke even after his fall. Yet, they're dead. When the ship crashes – and it will – it won't last longer than seventy-two hours in space. When you land, what if the first person standing before you is Rey? Will you still be able to call yourself The Supreme Leader? Or will you be asking for my help?”  
“...I-I,” Hux started.

“Snoke may have had control over me, but at least he had something to offer. You're insignificant. You're a _fucking_ _embarrassment_ to The First Order. Even now, you're afraid of me. That's why...”

“Please. I've heard enough. With Phasma gone, I'm the ONLY one willing to clean up the mess that _you_ made! I'm willing to be the better man, and yet you stand here berating me. You _need_ me!”

“You think I need you? The only thing I need now is for the Resistance to falter in their _blind_ faith of the light. I can tell just by looking at you, you're not ready. You've never felt the Dark Side. You think you need to feel the false promise of superiority in order to live. You think it'll make up for your shortcomings – of which there are many; that succeeding will somehow validate your existence. The truth is, if you think for one second that you're worth a single _minute_ of my time, as the filth that stands before me now...” Kylo looked down on Hux. The things he wanted to do to Hux simmered underneath his skin, like his untamed powers warning him of his own threshold for destruction.

“...No,” Hux said, foolishly adamant, standing at his full height. “I won't bend to your pathetic, discredited authority over the only place I might still be able to call home. And we will mend it. With _you_ as leader, I've seen the First Order turn from glory to disgrace before my very own eyes! I'd rather die as a General of the remaining First Order, by the hands of a novice Jedi girl, than die under a poor excuse for a leader like you.”

“What Jedi? She's no Jedi. What kind of Jedi walks around without a lightsaber?”

Hux stood still and took a long breath through his nostrils. Kylo sensed the General's boot slowly turning on the military-scrubbed floor.

“I can give you what you want, if you admit to being less than the Force.”

Hux clenched his jaw, his skin tightening against his adam's apple as his head tilted back. His veins pulsated blue and protruded from underneath the stiff, black collar of his military uniform. The pink hue of his pale skin became gray. Around the room, crew members glanced at each other with wide eyes, sliding back in their metal chairs. Some remained seated, but most slowly retreated to the outer edges of the room.

The corners of Kylo Ren's full lips veered into a twitching grimace, his arm outstretched, his fingers spread wide. The ghost of sorrow in his eyes – flashes of his dead uncle's resemblance whenever he passed by a mirror – had vanished. Shadows sharpened the bags under his furious onyx eyes. Frail screeches escaped Hux's throat like air being sucked out of a plastic bag.

The crew members watched in a panic. Kylo Ren's stance was deceivingly relaxed, one arm resting at his side. By looking at him, it would seem normal that Hux's forehead crinkled and spit flew from his bottom lip. An invisible band cut off all movement and circulation below the General's shoulders. The veins in his darting eyes were a deep purple. His mind had been poisoned to imagine that Kylo Ren and the crew-mates were crowded around him, circling him like buzzards, spitting insults in his face that they'd somehow held back for months under his command. The toe of his straight black boot twisted to the back of the room. He used what he could of his tested muscles to face away, thrusting his arms before him. Anything he could do to get away from Kylo Ren; he would do it. That man...no, monster - harboured more hatred for him than anyone else on that ship. Amidst his scrambled screams, Hux's voice dried out like a crack in the desert floor, where the sediment had drunk up the crust's moisture, the sun claiming anything that remained. Kylo simply stood and watched. The mangled words were swallowed in a pocket of slowed, dense air encasing his body, like a heavy object had consumed him in its catapult through hyperspace.

“Agh...” Kylo groaned, his fingers twitching. He clutched his wrist, shuddering. A warmth sparked up from his shoulders to his throat. Before him, Hux was gasping for air, his limbs locked in a torturous stasis.

“Don't just stand there!” he shouted. “ _Someone_ – _DO SOMETHING_ , dammit! P-please!”

“You'll do nothing,” Kylo spat in their direction. His shining teeth were bared below his rounded lips. He leaned back on one leg to balance himself and his arm snapped downwards. Hux's head flung away from his body. The wheels of gravity turned, causing his kneecaps to crack down against the . The leather sound of Kylo Ren's gloved fist as it stretched was the only sound, his hand hovering near the wired metal hilt of his crossguard lightsaber. Holding his arms around Hux's shoulders like a pair of descending wings, Kylo Ren enclosed his hands around the man's vibrating neck. Hux's breath faded out of the thin cabin air. Kylo sunk his thumbs deeper until Hux's Adam's apple receded with a gravelly sensation into the muscles that once sheltered his crushed spine.

“Escape! There's no time!” A crew member shouted as his boots squeaked erratically across the black floor.

_“Alert the nearby squadrons! Get them on the interco--”_

Bolts of bright red electricity crackled at Kylo's fingertips, spreading to the opposite end room. It darted between the ceiling and the walls of a small room no one could escape. The officers screamed relentlessly, battering the doors with their fists. The intense charges of electricity fed through their bodies like wildfire, buckling their knees, until one by one, they crumpled onto the floor. Their human bodies were unfit hosts for the powers of the Force.

Kylo's chest heaved up and down, Hux's dried up corpse below him. His breathing patterns eventually became timely and focused, the hot air escaping from his open mouth. Drawing so much strength from the darkness, he risked becoming a soulless conduit to his enhanced senses. Stifling visions of the past liked to unfold for him in the same way he could invade another's mind. A sickening heat radiated through his strained muscles; a downpour of gravity pushed down on his tensed up shoulders.

The lips of the last remaining Officer quivered; he quieted his racing breath, as if it would do anything. Kylo Ren knew he needed balance, or one shaken breath could sing through his ears like a heavy rain. He could imagine being dropped into an isolated cavern of his undead relatives; the relatives whose lives he himself had put an end to. His eyes closed, his temples pinching as if screws were twisting into both sides of his head.

To end the sharp screams of the opposing officer, Kylo led a final bolt cracking through the floor. The bolt stuttered up the officer's pant leg and the man's pulse beat like an overwhelmed capacitor. It was trying to find its way out of his flesh. Separating the man's innards, the electric heat seared through his abdomen with sharp precision. It crawled through his swollen veins, stopping at the heart with a compressed thud.

Across the floor, mechanical debris was spread everywhere, misplaced ash cascading down from the air. A transparent monitor had begun to crackle with leftover trails of red sparks. Thin tufts of smoke plumed from the embers of a nearby control panel. The biggest mess was the heap of bodies - the pile of motionless limbs that lay between Kylo and the grey, blood-smeared doors he had yet to open. An unfortunate stench radiated from the corpse of a former mindless, narcissistic Dictator, who would rot where he belonged, with his Legion of cowards.

_“Do you still think it's her fault?”_

Kylo craned his neck, but he knew no one still living was present.

“I'd blame you, but _you_ left, leaving her – and them – vulnerable to me. ”

He extended his auditory depth of field beyond the room as the Force continued to pump his blood full of vitality, not searching for Luke, but for the ship's main energy source. It was slowly being drained, and would continue to drain after leaving the ship unattended to. Then again, what did it matter to him anymore?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there~  
> Hope you are all still enjoying DitG. I have to make a bit of an apology to any Hux fans, 'cause I know there are lots of you. I can't say much at the moment because anything else will probably be spoilers, but I'm just grateful people seem to be reading this, and hope you like it! Comments are much appreciated as always, and kudos, too! Feel free to share on Tumblr or please let me know your favourite Reylo communities where I could share it.  
> http://supremeleaderbutttouch.tumblr.com
> 
> Cheers, x  
> \- Jack


	3. Fire Bleeds Through the Frozen Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months after the events of Chapter 2, Kylo Ren is piloting his TIE Silencer, but the ship has run a debilitating error. He only has a few options; two that could kill him, and one he hoped he'd never have to consider.

_Two Months Later._

Cool vapour rushed into the cabin of the sleek black TIE silencer. It rustled through the hair against Kylo's neck, sending a shiver up and down his spine. Unprovoked, the on-board alarm system screeched incessantly. Kylo groaned and scrambled to stop the head-splitting alarm; it had only been implemented under the assumption that the pilot would already be dead or crashing. Blue glowing lights lettered ' _COOLING SYSTEM'_ blinked to his left.

“Shit,” he spat. “Overheating...but the cooling system is active. It's a malfunction.”

The red print of the system's active functions raced across the control panel – apparently everything was running efficiently. Most of the stars Kylo recognized, he'd already passed over an hour ago, and none since then were even remotely suitable to land on. He focused his attention in the direction of the star-speckled expanse through the red-tinted windows before him. A world to the east swirled with mottled clouds, making the ground impossible to see.

Living conditions were unstable on the last planet he'd encountered. Its wicked hailstorms could've easily torn off one one of the arrowhead-shaped wings on descent. Opting for a thick slab of ice with no signs of flora or fauna didn't seem wise, either, considering his lack of shelter. Between his options of landing with no guarantee he'd actually _land_ , or floating in space until he'd run out of air, the cabin of the Silencer was becoming claustrophobic.

He requested access to the navigation interface. _Denied._ No more map; no more extensive database of vital information on nearby stars.

“No... _no, dammit_ ,” he muttered to himself, eclipsed by the wretched wailing of the alarm. “Override. Co-ordinates.”

His command triggered the recorded apathetic voice built into the ship: _“Vessel is in Rehabilitation Mode. Command cannot be executed.”_

“Connect me to direct comms, then.”

_I don't have another choice. I can face The First Order; I've faced them all my life._

_“Inaccessible. Permission to your vessel has not been granted. For a list of accessible servers...”_

“ _Bullshit!!”_ he shouted, his voice drowning out the alarms. “Server index, ALL SERVERS!”

_“No available communication servers. Abort search?”_

He stared down at the glossy blank console **,** waiting, as if waiting would somehow make it illuminate with flashes of cloud-topped blue mountains, coursing waterfalls, or dense treetops forming the canopy of a lush jungle. He'd even take a forgotten junkyard of a planet like Jakku.

_Jakku...Rey..._

_**“Dammit!”** _

Kylo gritted his teeth and sped to the East. He didn't know where he was going yet.

_What am I supposed to tell her? That I'm stranded? That I exiled myself to the outer edges of the galaxy? I thought we would never speak again. I was sure you'd completely locked me out...until your anxiousness showed through. I felt a gentle pull from your side._

“Rey...I know you're there,” he said, his eyes closed, placing himself as far outside of the cramped cockpit as he could. He needed to be wherever she was; a new Resistance bunker, sitting on a warm bed, hopefully her own soft bed - not a dismal cot with a scratchy blanket. Stronger than the last time he saw her, her brown eyes focused in thought; reading, or passing the time in an air hangar, twirling her staff as Resistance pilots rushed past her. Constantly changing movements with her hands, light on her feet.

“W-what?” she replied, spinning on one heel, her arms braced as if she was leaning over a steep cliff, pieces of rock dropping off below her. “Ben? Keep talking to me - I can't see you.”

“Rey – listen.”

“Ben!? What happened? The Force Bond...” her mouth ran dry. “I thought it was...”

Kylo drew in a sharp breath and sighed. “Broken? Don't waste your time on mind tricks. I already know you were the one to break it. You disappeared – you think I can't do the same?” Hatred burrowed in his gut like he’d been pelted by that wookiee’s bowcaster all over again, but he stopped the typhoon of words about to swirl out of control. His bottom lip quivered visibly. “If you wanted to be that distant, I wasn't going to just wait around so you could stab me through the chest. I can go just as far away.”

“Would you really do that? Cut me off? I had no clue what was going on. Why couldn't you just let me in _once_ , that entire time? ...And you left me to think of...”

“Stop. Don't say it,” he spat callously. “Don't you think I've had enough? I don't have time to break you out of your little fortress of lies.”

“I...I can see you,” she said, her voice hushed to a whisper. “You look cold.”

Kylo cursed the tears stinging the corners of his eyes, a deep breath held in his rib cage. His eyes opened at first to her soft fingers, and then the sleeves of her cream gown, light against her honey skin. A simple black cord dangled from her neck, and she wore her chestnut hair down in soft waves over her shoulders.

 

“Y-you're...not on the Resistance base,” he said, his emotions visibly untangling. Thankfully, she was distracted by something in her surroundings.

“No,” she said, turning back to him again. “I'm not. Ben, I don't know what to say to you...except that...”

“I'm alone,” he said abruptly. “Tell me where you are.”

“What!? As if you _really_ need to know my location that badly! That's not happening.”

She hesitated. Her forehead crinkled and she planted her foot down before him. “But that's besides the point! You called me a liar mere seconds ago, and now you want me to forfeit my location? _Why?_ Do you find your insults are really _that_ much better face to face?”

“It has nothing to do with that. At the very _LEAST_ , just tell me how far away you are. I'm...” Kylo inhaled sharply. He glanced over to the green lettering of the ship's 'operational' vitals. He imagined being inside the ship if it could only supply him with an amount of oxygen worth its own volume. Maybe he should take smaller breaths. Maybe he shouldn't _breathe_. “I'm stranded. I'm out in the Unknown Territories.”

She blinked, allowing gravity to weigh her shoulders down, the knots underneath them momentarily soothed. Her eyes lowered and moved side to side. She was trying to calculate a plan; that was never a good sign. When her gaze rose up to his, her long lashes shining, her eyes were shaking with conflict.

“If I go searching for you, I'll be putting the Resistance in danger. I can't just...come get you.”

The corner of Kylo's mouth twisted and he thrust his hand forward, gripping the control stick. With sinister eyes, he swam through her mind for the location, hoping to pick out any image that might be close to the surface - close enough to hold onto. His attempt was as much worth his time as watching a man at the end of a rope try to lift the Millennium Falcon out from a seabed.

She was even more dedicated to the Resistance than before. Had she sided with him purely to take care of Snoke and then be gone? It was obvious it mattered to no one if Kylo Ren was left for dead on an uncharted planet. Apparently not even Rey.

“Turns out I was wrong after all,” he said. “You're not a liar. Just a hypocrite.”

“...Fine. But, let me say one thing. Ben Solo...Kylo Ren - whoever I'm talking to - just tell him that I'm sorry.”

“You can tell me when you come find me. After that, you won't have to worry. Once my ship is operational, we can...go our separate ways again,” he said, his eyes flickering with scorn.  
Rey nodded quickly and swallowed. “Do you have an exact location?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come soon after it's edited. You guys are awesome for sticking around and reading. Your thoughts are always appreciated! Many thanks! x,  
> \- Jack


	4. What Lies in the Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren has no choice but to allow Rey to rescue him, stranded in the Unknown Territories.

Kylo pulled back on the steering as the bottom of the Silencer bounced across the orange sand, the walls shaking noisily as the ship stabilized. The constant stream of cool mist directly above him eased off, the lights dimming in unison. Already, he was starting to miss it. The black-framed windows acted like a prism, the sun shining red beams into the cabin, along with an unbearable heat. A low hum caught his attention; the ship was trying to power down. Swiping his fingers across the monitor, he quickly pulled up a diagnostic scan. The glowing red interface blinked on once, twice, and without any sort of warning, faded to black.

With every step, his boots sunk lower into the sand. He maintained a longer stride, hoping at least to reach the base of the amber mountainside before sunset, if days were anywhere near as short as they were on most worlds.

Catching his breath at the end of his walk, he tossed his cowl into the sand, wiping away the damp hair stuck to his face. Already, he'd come across some sort of evidence that other humans had inhabited the planet. Whoever was here before him had survived long enough to build a stone hut with a dome shaped roof. He rammed shoulder-first into the door. It collapsed upon the rough jolt, a crusted-on layer of sand making dusty clouds in the entrance.

Nothing but an abandoned outpost; a room with barely enough space for one person, the stark sunlight shining through holes in the gauzy blinds. It was furnished with a basic kitchen and a flat cot that could break someone's spine if they weren't careful sitting down.

“...Who would live here?” he muttered to himself.

He followed the horizontal path of deep grooves along the mountainside, which on a closer look, reminded him of a deep red clay. Just his luck; no trees, not even dead ones, and no water to drink. There must be some sort of life, hidden in a mountain cave somewhere. A cave rampant with the starving creatures who had been waiting a long time for someone like him, after he’d just trudged through a filthy bog of clay - the kind of creatures Rey had warned him about.  The theory almost held up considering the world’s missing population.

Scraps of metal and junk littered the flat sands around the corner of his landing site. Nothing of use; nothing that he could repair his ship with, at least. Knocking open a white chest caked with red sand, he found any items inside had been pilfered long before he even knew he’d end up on this dust globe. As he peered across the never-ending desert, he could imagine a bronzed Han Solo, feathery, handsome hair floating in the breeze, loading up the cargo and blasting through the atmosphere into hyperdrive without a single thought that someone else might need it.

When he knelt down, locking his fingers onto the underside of the chest, his calf muscles stiffened. He pulled up on it again, his forearms burning. Somehow, it had made a permanent home in the ground. Was that even possible? He dragged a black gloved finger across the bottom of the filthy chest, into each corner. Even having applied less pressure than a mother would combing a toddler's hair, the stiff layer of paper disintegrated. He tore it back to reveal a sprayed on symbol, one he had been taught his whole life to remember as the source of everything he would one day destroy. Strangely, his heartbeat jumped to life, having found something so corporeal from his realm of existence; the Starbird of the Rebel Alliance.

“God damn...” he whispered, his dry lips falling open. He unbuttoned the stifling collar of his overcoat; his choppy voice disturbed the vacant space around him.

Caught in a liquefied wave of heat on the horizon line, the pointed wings of the TIE silencer jutted out of the drooping sand hills like ancient bones. _'I'll be a pile of bones soon if Rey doesn't get here soon...'_ he thought.

A breeze blew around him like it had come in with an ocean spray. The sun showed no sign of dipping behind the mountains any time soon, but he couldn't be sure. He went around gathering broken planks of wood from leftover crates and shreds of burlap that were strewn about the abandoned site. When he returned, he set them down and began to form a deep pit across the sand from the hut, closer to his ship. He certainly had no desire to add to the desert’s cesspool of heat, but this way, Rey might have an easier time finding him once the sun fell behind the horizon.

Sparking up the fire was easy enough. He already knew he could create fire in a bind, but the only memories involving anything remotely close were ones he’d spent a longer time trying to put out. Whether by Snoke’s will, or by punishing himself through his own, those memories would continue to flicker to life in perfect clarity, during nightmares, and often, his waking hours.

When the singed planks of wood weren’t enough to keep the fire alive, he tossed in dry patches from his own cowl. The wind would hit it just right, enough to create a spark that made fire swirl up from the sand.

Somewhere above him, a low frequency tumbled through the grey swarm of clouds towering above the desert. Ren's eyes darted back and forth across the overcast blue sky; beneath the clouds, the brightest stars had already begun to peek through. Lowering towards the ground, the flying object drew closer; its engine growled, resonating over the sand, and two dots in the sky became glowing red orbs. A flat, grey disc propelled itself through the sky, swinging back and forth in wind traps that he'd somehow dodged upon landing. Finally, the Millennium Falcon became level with the horizon, swerving in the direction of the bonfire. Invisible funnels vaccuumed the sand into the air upon the Falcon’s teetering descent. The whirlwind made Kylo's dark hair lash across his cheeks, fanning the flames so far forwards that they nearly touched him. The vibrations of the engine subsiding, the ship's hatch dropped open. Kylo watched as closely as he did while he set focus on an oncoming target, well aware of the location of the lightsaber at his belt

Stumbling down the ramp came a long pair of legs and bare feet. She paused halfway down, adjusting the tangled layers of her dress. Her head jolted upwards to look straight at Kylo Ren. She appeared calm despite her entrance.

“So...” Rey started, her toes flush to the end of the ramp. “It's safe to assume that if I come any closer, The First Order isn't going to pop out and arrest me, correct?”

Kylo relaxed the hand at his waist. “You won't find them here.”

Rey eyed the lightsaber hidden underneath the fold of Kylo Ren’s militaristic overcoat. She was surprised to find the way he was holding himself had changed somewhat. His collar was unbuttoned, exposing the top of his chest. Even his voice was more tepid, not as diplomatic compared to the last time they had spoken, his sudden appearance demanding her full attention through their Force bond.

His black eyes glinted, his expression striking and unchanged from the first time she’d found herself face to face with the mystifying man behind the masked monster - Ben Solo. He had her arms bound, then, watching Rey writhe around, completely restrained. Yet, then, and now, before her, he reflected the stillness one could only find by a secluded, moonlit pond.

“Rey...why don't you come closer?” He asked.

  
  


At first, he was concerned that Rey might have more Resistance members on board. Judging by Rey's vacant expression, there was more to it than that.

“You made it here all right, I see,” she said.

She struggled to hold back the tears that seemed to resurface at all the worst times in the months of Ben’s absence, an unwanted guest from her past knocking on the door, never leaving her alone no matter how many times she begged. Some mornings, when she awoke to her growing list of meetings and responsibilities , all she could think of was how she'd lost him. He gave her the chance, and she had failed in showing him that together, they could make a difference. Maybe not in the way he wanted, but in some way, perhaps, they could’ve joined to banish what remained of The First Order. He had practically begged her to join him. In that moment, only she could’ve stepped in to help Ben unfold his darkest trespasses, one by one, until he could ease into a state of being that was more grey. A starting place to find the true identity of a Jedi who barely survived Snoke's endless mind games and the hatred that filled all who stood by him. A Jedi who had left himself more vulnerable to Rey than was good for him. She’d witnessed the re-emergence of Ben's soul, but his surrender to the light would not be easy with his own remorse backing him into a corner. The fragments of his pain only added to his arsenal of darkness, all of it resulting in further chaos that Rey felt partially responsible for. Even so, she should have known that there was still hope.

Standing across from him was just another reminder of the huge mistake she'd made when the only thing between them and their Force bond was the door of the Millennium Falcon sliding shut. It was then that she thought, the next time she laid eyes on Kylo Ren, the remorseful Knight would be her worst enemy – that she would have to kill him.

“Will you be leaving once your ship is repaired?” Rey asked.

“There’s no reason for me to stay here,” he said, his eyes cold and evasive. “And you?”

Rey squished her toes deeper into the sand, where the heat from the day's sunlight was trapped under the desert floor. Everything within reach of the bonfire was scorching hot. “I still can’t tell you that,” she said, shaking her head.

Kylo Ren began to slowly trace the outside of the charred sand pit.  “Is there anything I can ask that you’d answer honestly?”

“Ask me to leave,” Rey said, her throat aching. The sorrow that often plagued her swam through her like ink on a paper that had been soaked and dried again. Blurred, like a memory from her childhood – pointless, and exhausting.

“You know I won't stop you,” he said.

“That would generally be the best option. Ben, I don’t understand - why are you out here alone?” As she walked, Kylo carved the same path behind her, his fluid gait intimidating at best. One side of Rey’s face reddened as the sun burned her cheek; the flames, the other.

“What makes you think I would tell you?” Kylo asked. “You haven’t proven to trust me. Otherwise, you might have left the Force bond open.”

“You don’t know how hard this is for me,” Rey said. Hot tears stung her eyes. Trying to ignore the pain was like trying not to scream as a lightsaber seared into  her flesh.

“At least explain something to me. You’re not here because I begged you to help; you chose to come here. We had the Force bond the entire time, but to _you_ , I was as good as _dead_.”

Rey peered over her shoulder. Kylo’s long jawline flickered orange in contrast with the dark shadows beneath his eyes.

“Why did you do it?” he asked. “Why did you close the Force bond?”

A tightness in Rey’s throat and a small voice begged her to _stay quiet; don't say anything._ Her footsteps became longer, her feet cutting through the light sand. There would be no running from him. He could catch Rey as easily as he could close in on one of Cobalt Squadron's ships with the Silencer.  “I don’t owe you any sort of explanation.”

“You can tell me anything, Rey,” he called out, though he was no further away than before. “If you can’t tell me, then who? You can’t expect to shoulder it alone. You’ll drown in it.”

“What if I already am?” She spun around to face him. He remained composed, but Rey sensed an intensity emanated from him. He was searching, this time for something more fragile than just a location. “I don’t even know how I got to this point...” she said, lowering her head in shame.

Kylo had come close enough. His boots stopped in the sand, his cloaked body hidden behind the bend of the flames. “I think you do. I think you know exactly what happened. You're just ashamed of it.”

“What!? Now you’re trying to tell me my own feelings? As if you're dealing with _your_ problems any better? It’s quite obvious you're doing everything in your power _not_ to deal with them. Running to the edge of the Galaxy like this…what were you even thinking, coming out here?”

“What else would I come here for? To distance myself from my enemies; your _Resistance_ being one of them. But, Rey - look around us.” He stretched his arm out to the vastness of the desert and stepped away from the fire. He’d crossed the invisible line that marked halfway between the Silencer and the Falcon. “I'm here...you're here. Perhaps we should face up to the fact that fate has chosen to draw us together - again. Rey, I’m telling you - there’s a reason for this.”

“Ben - _no_. I'm sorry. You can't just expect me to be there every time...” her eyes began to water again, but she stepped back into the light of the flames, as if to show him she wasn't afraid of it. “Every time you _think_ you've got it figured it out. YOU got yourself into this. The only reason _I'm_ here is because I can't afford to live with _your_ _death_ hanging on my conscience!”

“And what about when I wasn't on your conscience at all, Rey? What was that like? Was it _freeing_? Because I would love to know what it's like going one _fucking_ day without something reminding me of _YOU!_ ”

“It was far from freeing,” Rey said. “Not even close.”

So he had felt that way, too. Could it really be that she’d made herself alone that entire time, and suffered all of that for nothing? Everything she thought she’d lost was standing right before her. Kylo Ren’s pained eyes reflected a similar story to her own. She could see now that they both shared the same wound. Two soldiers, fighting the same war on opposite sides of the battlefield.

Kylo Ren exhaled heavily. Sweat gleamed on his dirty forehead and cheeks. She had rendered him useless; caught in the middle of a scarred battlefield, knowing he was in plain sight, knowing he could be taken down, but still he couldn't command his feet to move. She had seen his inner workings; determined his trigger - a trigger that would stunt his natural instinct to fight.

“All I wanted...was just one reason. You have to give me _something_ , Rey,” he begged, motioning with his arms, his palms open and facing her. “I don’t know how you could feel that way, and still...”

The sun had begun its descent, painting the distant horizon with a dark orange pool of light. An unexpected breeze gave Rey a brief moment of respite, waving through the delicate fabric of her dress and over her shoulders. Ben’s cape rippled in a gust of wind that coursed through the bonfire, washing an orb of heat over Rey’s body.

“We...battled,” she started, nestling her toes in the sand. “We waited as the Finalizer collapsed to the ground _._ I fought countless faceless men, trying not to get trapped in the flames and explosions of black smoke. It looked like the whole sky was lit up red. I expected to see you there, to find you among them...” She paused and took a deep breath like she was questioning whether or not to continue. Kylo watched, oddly patient, never interjecting.

“We tried to interrogate them, but no one would confess. Our captives wouldn't surrender your location. They swore that the last time you’d been seen was _on_ that ship - the Finalizer. What could I have done? Was I supposed to just...reach out to you, then and there? With all of my friends around me, if felt impossible. Like I'd already betrayed them just by thinking about it.”

Somehow, Ben’s presence still gripped her and moved her more than she imagined it would. She'd kept her thoughts close to her for so long, aching to talk to someone, but what would her friends think of her if she told them about the Force bond? If Ben couldn't see how lost she'd been, no one could.

“And you believed them?” he asked.

“...At first, no. But, I...” Rey started. Her stomach ached; she never imagined herself telling him face to face. She never felt so guilty, ever, in her whole life.

“You closed the bond completely.”

“Honestly? Yes. When I hadn’t heard anything from you in over a month, I tried...to forget about it. The day of the battle felt like a massacre. We left so many bodies there...just an army, with no leader. Not even Hux.”

Kylo maintained eye contact; the heat made the space between his gloved fingers damp with sweat.

“And you don't know where he might’ve run off to...?”

“No. There’s been no word of him at all. Ben –” Rey rushed to his side and gripped his hand, but he didn't so much as blink, his breath held in his throat. “You're not thinking of going back, are you?”

“I don’t know.”

Her forehead crinkled and her eyes moved like she was consumed by a whirlwind of doubtful thoughts. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like living in her head, even just for one day. Then again, maybe he could. Maybe the darker parts of their minds weren't so different.

“You understand me, don’t you? Ben, I was _so_ frightened that if I reached out to you, there would be...no response. Just a blank space...emptiness. And what if I never saw you or heard from you again?”

He refused to touch her or think of her, no matter how bewitched he was by the light making her disobedient curls of brown hair glow, and her pleading eyes, crystals of light showing all the nuances of colour in her irises.

The bonfire had manifested a cloud with the smell of burnt wood, but

with Rey so near to him, he caught onto a more familiar scent. Sweat glistened between her breasts, and he allowed his gaze to wander. A sweet oil kissed her skin. It was like she’d bathed in a tincture infused with Takodana's crushed flowers, every violet petal drenched in an intoxicating pollen.

He remembered how strongly Rey's presence resonated from the ground when he stepped foot on Takodana. She must have thought she could find refuge among the shaded forest bed. Carving jagged lines between the wild arrangement of plants and trees, twigs and leaves weren't the only thing that stuck to her. As he chased the movements of bushes and ferns, heat gathered in his chest between unsatisfied breaths. Her flowing skirt rained a fragrant trail of pollen mist that would lead him straight to her.

He shook his head to come up for air, out of a daze. “You should’ve killed me a long time ago,” he said coldly.

“Ben?” Rey questioned.

“Everything would’ve been so much easier that way. You'd be able to move on, but instead... How are we supposed to say goodbye with this fucking bond tethering us to each other from across the galaxy?”

“No! You don’t deserve to die. And, it’s not about me. Right now you have a chance to start over completely. Aren’t you at least somewhat relieved?”

“Hah, relieved...you’re sweet, Rey. I wish that I could call this starting over.”

“Please, Ben,” she whispered. She was so insistent, her soul pouring out of her knowing eyes, emanating the sheer faith she had in a part of Kylo that he felt slip through his fingers years ago. Someone he'd never been able to bring back in one piece.

“We’ll figure this out,” Rey said. Just give them time.”

“No. _I’ll_ figure this out. They don’t want my time, or yours. They only want to see me dead, so they can get a good night's sleep.”

“Well, I _don't,”_ Rey insisted. There was no reaction; no rebuttal. For a moment the only sound was the crackle of wood being split apart by the heat of the flames. “You know...on some of my worst days? You were all that kept me going. This might not mean anything to you, but you’re stronger - and braver - than anyone I’ve ever known. How could I put an end to your life knowing Ben Solo lives on in you?”

“I can’t do this,” Kylo said. Rey caught a glimpse of fear and a twitch of confusion in his eyes before he turned to face the sunset. The sky was a burnt violet. “Whatever you’re trying to do--”

“I know.” Rey's tears startled her as they fell between her collarbones. She hadn't expected that kind of cold, her body warmed all the way through to her skin. “It’s why I never told you. I thought if I admitted my true feelings - to either of us - it would only create more pain.”

“I can’t believe I fell for it again. I should’ve just…” he turned towards her.

For a moment their eyes met, but he quickly returned to his forward stance. The breeze sifted through his dark waves of hair. “Nevermind,” he said, the commanding tone he often assumed shrinking into the sand. “I’ll see you in the morning...if you even decide to stay that long.”

She watched his outline blur as he walked away, headed towards the abandoned hut in the shadow of the mountain.

“I’m not going anywhere!” she shouted and then sighed. “Ben…”

  
  


 

  
  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to do this to you guys but I guess this was the best place I could leave off for now. Chapter 5 won't be as long of a wait, I don't think. Thank you for your patience and for continuing to read my fic. It really means a lot to me.  
> If you're interested in helping with the beta reading process at all, you can message me here or elsewhere like:  
> @reyslilmonster  
> and http://supremeleaderbutttouch.tumblr.com  
> Thanks again! x,
> 
> \- Jack


	5. Wires Snap and Crystals Shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe they'd been blaming their distance on the wrong things; maybe there was more keeping them apart than what Rey and Kylo Ren had originally thought. Both of them search for a valid enough reason to work together, but nothing stands out as the reason that either of their allies would be able to tolerate.

The darkness had begun to filter out of the sky, replaced with gradients of grey-blue. In the fire pit, embers and small bursts of flame lingered from the night before, surviving with a dull glow.

“Wait!” Rey cried out, sprinting after Kylo, kicking up sand into the air. “Do you know where you’re going? There could be deadly cave monsters out there!” 

“You’re right; there could be,” Kylo Ren shouted over his shoulder. 

Sighing, she pressed onward against the sun and followed behind.  
Kylo squatted in front of the chest he’d found the day before. He looked up at Rey with boyish eyes.  
“It's empty…” she said flatly. “Are you _absolutely_ sure it's safe here? I could've sworn I saw footprints, or-”  
“They look like footprints. They’re probably just marks from the monster burying its prey in the sand.”  
“What!?”  
“I'm trying to show you something,” he said urgently, stretching his long chin in the direction of the chest.  
Rey knelt down and traced her fingers over the gravelly surface of the Starbird symbol. “The Rebellion…” she muttered. “We have to tell them! There might be more resources here, more-”

Ben's eyes had become dim, hidden behind his raven curls as he slowly rose to his feet. 

“There’s more than this,” he said, “but the bunker is locked by a passcode. With the right equipment, you’ll be able to bypass it easily. Now, as for my ship…”  He brushed the pigmented sand off of his palms and glanced over towards the oval silhouette of the Millennium Falcon, a short distance from his Silencer. “That droid of yours should be able to reconnect my Comms from the Falcon. It won’t take long.”

“What? What do you mean?” Rey stopped him, holding her hand on his chest before he had the chance to hole himself up in his ship and never speak to her again. “I thought you’d be able to fix it yourself.” 

She shot him a stern look, trying to splinter the blank expression on his face, but Kylo had decided on being stubborn. He wouldn’t make up a lie on the spot, but Rey could tell by his less than gracious disposition that he wasn’t feeling charitable enough to share the truth. “...You're afraid. You're afraid to step foot on that ship.”   
“It makes a lot more sense than being afraid of some _sand-dwelling_ monster,” he said, his response a little too quick.

“I'm looking right at one... _sand-dweller._ ” The corners of Rey’s lips curled upwards in a cheeky grin.  
“In this case, I think it takes one to know one. Wasn't your name ‘Rey... _Princess_ of Jakku?’ No...something about that doesn’t fit. _Queen_ Rey...” he said, fighting off a smirk. 

Rey’s eyes widened, her cheeks burning red. “What? No - _no!_ _Far_ from it... being a Queen is the _last_ thing I need.”  
“Why not? I think you’d make a formidable Queen. You’ve already faced crises and accepted your call to leadership. You saved the Resistance. You saved me. More importantly, you still have something worth fighting for.”  
Rey was silent, left speechless on the return to their ships. Looking back at the crumbling red mountains in the distance, she realized that if she ever came back, it would be with the Resistance, and Ben would be long gone. 

“Wait,” she said. Kylo's robed back was turned against her, the Silencer’s hydraulic system expelling bursts of vapour as the hatch slowly fell open. “I really think you should come take a look at the Falcon. Aren't you the slightest bit curious about it?”  
“It's a flying saucer with a blaster cannon, two _CEC AG-2G_ quad laser cannons, and two missile tubes. At one time, it made the Kessel run in fourteen parsecs, but even that’s doubtful. Now, it's a barely-functioning piece of _junk_. It’s a wonder you can even make it off the ground in that thing.”  
“Twelve parsecs...” she muttered under her breath. Kylo started his advance up the ramp until Rey’s voice made him pause. “This might be your only chance. Besides...BB8 doesn’t seem too _keen_ on allowing an enemy of the Resistance to escape.”

He turned to face her with a jaded expression. He caught a flash of her youthful grin as she shrugged, already making her way back to the Falcon.

Rey led Kylo through the Falcon’s main tunnel and he ducked into the cabin after her. With its worn-in furniture, the cabin was almost liveable. Everything about it was the opposite of the First Order fleet, nothing in its ships crafted by human hands.

Slowly, he inched closer to a table he couldn’t have willed himself  _ to forget; _ the checkered dejarik table hugged by a booth that he was once too small to climb onto on his own. He knew the Millenium Falcon was one of the only lasting relics from his childhood, but now he could actually grasp a living collection of those bogged down memories. Being this close, he couldn’t even attempt to cover up his memories with anything else. He couldn’t mask this, just like he couldn’t mask the thin concept of one day getting his revenge, a concept that had been trampled on by self-doubt and regret. 

He had actually  _ been  _ there, some time in the past, as another being...sitting in his mother’s lap, racing around the ship’s tunnels at full speed; crawling into cargo ducts that made better hiding spots than anything any of the adults could come up with. No one would come looking for him until it was time to move on to the next place.

Kylo Ren’s fingertips ghosted over the surface of the table. It was unsettling, knowing he stood in the same place where his uncle had stood, spinning his lightsaber around, probably thinking himself prepared to fell his first foe. He still despised them for their attempts to shape the Jedi into abominations instead of saviors; ghosts when all they aspired to be were heroes. The Jedi Council; a tried and failed hierarchy, like a black hole - once so convincing and powerful that it had earned the fervor of the entire galaxy, soon after becoming the most destructive influence within it. It begged the question _why_? Why were its main targets always the ones being absorbed and torn apart at its center? His Grandfather, Luke, Rey...even he himself had been pulled in by association. The founding fathers of the Jedi; perhaps they practiced a power they knew too little about. Their system was flawed to be entirely reliant on masters, leaving the Jedi unlearned in their own instincts, and taught to mistrust others when their masters had failed them. 

He didn’t wait for Rey as he passed through the right wing and the cramped doors of the cockpit in silence. The back wall was a puzzle of blinking, mismatched switches, with no order to the untrained eye - and likely, to the eyes of a trained pilot. He peered out the dusty octagonal framed windows Han Solo would’ve looked through as his piloting left streaks of light through the black expanse of space. Turning to Rey, who stood unusually quiet behind him, he found her gaze floating directly past him to the empty captain’s chair. She and Han Solo; they had been co-pilots before Kylo Ren even knew what to call her. 

“Do you miss him?” he asked thoughtlessly.

Rey faced him with glossy eyes; she wasn’t trying to hide it. Sometimes he didn’t think she was aware of her own strength. 

“Of course,” she said. “You already know he was like a Father to me.”

He clung to her words, his only distraction the tightness in his throat. Something - not anger - wanted to beat its way out of him, like the fists of the First Order’s officers pounding on the control room doors. 

Rey’s soft lips hung open in silence; the sunlight streamed through the window, making her long lashes glow. 

Even more than when he’d stepped into the common area, a tingling sensation crawled up the outsides of Kylo’s arms. It was as though Han himself was listening in on them from his seat. He grimaced at the thought. He was ashamed, with no mask to conceal his tears. All of this loss had begun with him; Kylo Ren had been the source of both of their suffering, and that thought had went everywhere with him since he’d plunged his lightsaber through his Father’s chest.

He dove out of the cockpit and through the access tunnel. By the floor to his right was an opened panel, a tangled bed of wires exposed to the elements.

“You should get that covered,” he said, as if he cared about the ship.

After trying to keep up with him, Rey was finally able to grab him by the stiff black shoulder of his overcoat. She turned Kylo Ren to face her, but she had no words for him. Once again, she was one step ahead of herself.

_ You’re so reckless, _ Kylo realized again for the thousandth time. There couldn’t be a more suitable captain to commandeer the ship that Han Solo had once prided himself on.

“Do you miss him - your Father…?”

The word  _ ‘Father’ _ still stung as he watched the words come out of Rey’s lips. No one else  _ knew _ Kylo Ren so well that they could call that man his Father. Maybe, in a way that he didn’t understand, it was a hidden blessing that he was so close with someone who had known his Father. He’d thought to himself once or twice in his bitterness, how long it would be before Han Solo became even more of a washed up myth than he already was.

“I always did. Do you think that some days I wasn’t wishing I could be with him -  _ here _ \- learning to pilot the ship, instead of becoming another face of the Jedi Council?” 

“...Ben, I’m so sorry. When I managed to meet both of your parents, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened between them for them to...if there was some way that they could have-”

“The War happened.” He’d known this for years; he’d learned by meticulously observing the faces and voices of his past. A picture was worth a thousand words, but an expression or a tone in one’s voice was worth so much more than that. He’d never once needed an adult, or anyone else, to spell it out for him. “It’s still happening.”

The Falcon’s inner walls rattled and Rey gasped. The trembling of the ship knocked her off balance for a moment, her feet a criss-crossed mess, but the commotion came to a halt, replaced with silence. 

Ben was steady on his feet, seemingly unaffected by the motion that had disturbed her with its invasive vibrations.

After all, he was the one who had made the rickety walls of the Falcon tremble in such a thunderous way. He had summoned the Force, void of a cause to use it, but Rey had already witnessed the ways in which he could transform his powers. More than how he used his powers, she feared how quickly they would come on.

“It’s the same thing keeping you and I apart.”

 

* * *

 

 

Kylo Ren stood along the outer edge of the fire pit from the night before. Thanks to his doing, whatever remained of the flames had burned up into ash; but some time had passed since then.

“It's obvious to me now. It's not my place to interfere with your life alongside the Resistance. But, I’m not willing to ignore that we share a bond, and nothing will change that once we part ways.” He clenched his jaw, unable to hide the raw emotions boiling underneath his unstable exterior. “Rey...” he said, as if he’d already lost her.

“So we keep it open,” she said confidently. Her skin was clean, and she'd changed out of the dress that had become worn in its adventure across the desert and smelled of nothing but ash. She wore simple robes, cloth wraps around her calves, and a pair of fitted boots. “There could still be a reason we’ve been brought together like this, and something tells me that...there’s a better way to use our bond than how I've used it…  _ been _ using it, ever since...”

Kylo’s eyebrows twisted in question and he shook his head, his curls tousled by the wintry breeze. 

Without trying, thoughts of Luke had drifted back to Rey’s mind again. At the time of his passing, her world had become so finite. Ben had killed again...and again, she had no choice but to draw the line between them, thinking it would somehow make things better. In that moment, she truly believed that Kylo Ren would only prove to be a greater threat, not just to Rey’s friends, but to herself.

“No - that's not it,” she explained. “What I  _ meant _ to say was...we can use this the  _ right _ way -  _ when _ the need arises.”

“That’s all?” he asked, his throat dry. His gaze followed her until she moved closer, leaving only a small space between their faces. She gently curled her fingers around his gloved ones, her eyes earnest - but full of regret.

“If you don't hear from me for a while, it’s not because I’m trying to shut you out. I don’t want to lose our bond; it’s just too risky right now.” 

“If you encounter any danger, don’t keep it from me. If any harm comes to you, I’ll be the first to know about it.”

She blinked and quickly dodged his gaze, but her eyes soon wandered back to him, exploring his long jawline and prominent lips. It could be any length of time before they saw each other again. Could she just pretend that there was no one waiting for her? That she could stay, just a little longer? As if that would make things any better...

“I'll be fine, whatever happens,” Rey said. “And I’d like for  _ you _ to stay in one piece, as well. You must have somewhere to set out to already...” Rey looked down at her feet as a hundred dizzying and unlikely ideas of where he would go combatted each other in her mind.

“They’re waiting for you,” he said. Was that  _ forgiveness _ in his voice? “Don’t you think it’s time to leave?”

His eyes said differently; they said that leaving was only denying what both of them truly desired.

Was this supposed to make it easier for her to leave? How could she  _ possibly _ find it  _ easy _ while standing next to him, so close enough that they could touch? That they... **_were_ ** touching.

When she tried to pull her hand away, Ben grabbed it in his instinctively. His eyes flickered, just as startled as she was, and he released her just as quickly.

He pulled his dark hood over his face; it cast a heavy shadow over his eyes, but Rey knew his gaze would stay with her as she ascended the Falcon’s ramp. As she was about to leave him again. 

 

* * *

 

 

In the historical heart of the city, stone buildings lined the streets, most of them empty; abandoned by the former congressmen. After the Empire had struck more than a few times, the city had become far less desirable to live in to the upper class. Why would they stay when officers did nothing but meddle in their political affairs, treating the ever-so-quaint waterscape of a city like a cheap party destination? 

Little had changed upon Rey’s leave, at least not in the Resistance Headquarters. Beams of sunlight flashed in Rey’s eyes from cracks in the dusty planks of wood that barred the windows. Resistance members sat on old storage trunks analyzing on outdated machinery. They were working on an answer, the room buzzing with the constant back and forth between respondents, combining their information to anticipate where the First Order would strike next. It wasn’t much of a step up from their station on Crait, but it was the best that they had for now, and so far they had gone undetected.

“Where’s Leia?” Rey asked. “I need to speak with her.”

“You all right?” asked Poe Dameron, his thick brows raised in concern. 

He placed a hand on her back and led her to a corner of the room that would be quiet, for now. Rey hadn’t had the time to begin to call Poe Dameron a friend, but she found there were fewer and fewer of those in her inner circle since she’d become invested in the trials of the Resistance. Most of her interactions with him had been in meetings, but she’d seen his smug way with the X-wing pilots-in-training, and it appeared that he’d signed himself up to working daily overtime, learning whatever there was to learn about everything from commanding to engineering. More than once, she’d stumbled upon him nose-deep in a manual, or taking cues from the few veterans who insisted on volunteering their time to the Resistance. The same veterans had soared through space, trying to keep the peace, when Poe had been just old enough to run around flying forgotten warship models through the house in his hand. Those veterans had a penchant for bending the truth, and Rey imagined Poe would do the same one day - if there remained any Resistance left to speak of. 

“You look a little out of it,” he said. “Here, take a seat. I’ll get the nurse. Hey - yeah - would you see her, please?”

“You do feel rather warm,” the nurse said. “Almost like you’re coming down with a fever….you're probably just stressed.”

How much time had she spent out in the desert? She’d been gone for less than a day altogether, but the morning had certainly left her dazed. Just seeing Ben alive and breathing, far from what she’d imagined, was enough to make her that way. How could she see him one hour and return to the Resistance the next, having to act like nothing had happened? There were so many people counting on her, and if any of them knew…

A needle from a syringe pricked her shoulder. She blinked and realized the nurse had been waiting with her palm outstretched, two pills in her hand. 

Laughing under her breath, Rey picked them up and faked swallowing them. She tossed them as soon as the nurse looked away. “Thank you…”

“Kid, I’m glad you’re back and all, but I’m afraid you’re still on the clock. Look, you might wanna go downtown and try to have a word with the locals. They think we might just be....drawing more troopers to their planet. As far as we know, we’re still all right. The new recruits, though...they’re a little...well, we need some help getting them settled.” 

“You don’t say?” Rey asked, cocking an eyebrow at the esteemed pilot. “And you want me to…”

“Keep them calm. Leia can’t go anywhere right now, you know? Do it for her. Please.”

“Yes, you’re right. She shouldn’t have to deal with all that, anyway.”

The voices that clashed nearby were making her head start to ache, unless that was just the medication kicking in. “I’ll see what I can do. I think we’re close, Poe. Maybe a little too close. Something tells me…” She leaned in closer to him, keeping her voice low enough that only they would hear. “We’re not ready.”

“Which is why we need these recruits, badly. When it all goes down, we won’t have the time to question if our people are really _ our _ people.”

A respondent next to them shouted into their comms device. “No, Sir, this is  _ not _ a shipment order. The _ FIRST _ Order...the Order led by the  _ Supreme Leader _ Kylo Ren?” 

Rey’s expression froze; she hoped it would read as neutral, but she swore she felt the blood draining from her face. “R-right...no, of course not!” She rose to her feet, playing with the material of her skirt. “No wanderers of any sort...got it.”

“You’ve got this, Rey. Just a little encouragement; I think that’s all they need. We’re a blink away if you need us,” he reassured her with a sly wink and a pat on the shoulder. Thankfully, he didn’t choose the one that had just been pricked.

“Sure,” she told herself, several blocks away.

She had passed over several arched walkways built of desert-hued stone, surrounded by stucco walls. Two waterfalls surrounded one of the archways, the jagged ground interjected by the city centre’s smooth squares of light marble. An assortment of skyscrapers awaited her on the other side, the tops of the buildings lost in the clouds. Some buildings curled inwards as if they would lead around a street corner, but instead they only reflected the radiant hues of the sunset across a dizzying mirror of windows, like a wrong turn in a maze. Rey backed out of one of the empty courtyards, and that was when the raspy holler of what she assumed to be a protester echoed from the eroded steps that ascended towards the decrepit Town Hall. 

The traditional brick building was nothing short of irregular among the extravagant, modern architecture, like the captain of a ship using a map with torn edges instead of a perfectly functional on-board grid. Still, the locals had apparently ordered its conservation. Whether it remained as a lesson of times past, or as a historic landmark, Rey had decided that it was better not to ask when given the opportunity. 

Cautiously, she stepped towards the crowd gathered in the square. Before a stone statue of Snoke, the group of citizens raised their hand-painted signs. Snoke’s bust had been severed, missing entirely. 

Rey was pulled back to the throne room in an instant; the way Snoke had nearly torn her apart, with no intent to kill her; only to infiltrate her mind like a poison thickening inside her capillaries. The way he made her gut reel; her screams tying her down to her body, the pain that clawed its way through her limbs like the claws of a rabid beast. His darkness threatened to overturn her very soul; to snuff out the strength that only a Force user could possess, and all of the time she’d spent tightening the seams of her relationship to the Force.

Sullied and gasping for breath after Snoke’s infiltration, she knew that if Kylo chose to remain loyal to The First Order, she would have to kill him, and if she survived, Snoke. For a moment, she’d seriously considered that there might not be another way to guarantee her survival. Even at unfortunate odds, it was possible that she could have defeated them both, but without Ben beside her....would she really have survived?

 Rey tightened her grip on the staff that had somehow survived this long; made it this far with her on her journey. She wasn’t prepared to sign up for any kind of warfare that would place her on the front lines again. Slowly lifting her chin, she extended each breath, hoping her erratic heartbeat would eventually  settle - that it would be a little more patient than she was capable of being. She channeled all of her concentration and absorbed a calm energy that lived in the air, allowing it to trickle through her body, down her arm, to the hand in which she held her staff. If everything went as planned, she wouldn’t have to use it at all. Holding it gave her some sense of security, but she’d been missing something...something she missed as badly as having Ben, her equal, at her side. She missed her lightsaber - the one that had begun a journey that no one would find believable. The one that had been  _ shattered _ to pieces. 

Even after coming to his rescue, Ben had the gall to take the lightsaber hilt. He did it some time after she’d fallen asleep in the captain’s chair on the Falcon, foolishly assuming that he would’ve done the same.  

“E-excuse me! Citizens...and Members of the Resistance.” 

Rey waited as the crowd fell quiet and turned to face her, lowering their signs. The faces of her peers in the Resistance began to peek out among the others. One man, with an unwarranted scowl, who she didn’t recognize at all, removed his hood.

“Do you have something you’d like to say?” she asked to him alone, as the crowd had fallen silent.

The man had a crooked nose and rough, oily fingers. Perhaps he’d signed on as a mechanic with the Resistance; they’d need more of those to get back into any kind of shape.

“Who are you?” the man asked with a groan. “They couldn’t even give us an official to speak to?” 

“My name is Rey...and I...I  **am** an official; a member of the Resistance. I will personally see to it that the peoples’ concerns  _ will _ be brought back to the Resistance leaders, as soon as we’re done here.” 

“Lady Organa; where _ is _ she? Are you keeping her hidden? You see, Rey, I’ve never heard your name before in my  _ life.  _ Lady Organa saved my family, years ago - after the victory on Endor. It’s thanks to her that we ever escaped the Empire; that I found Netaka. Do you even  _ know _ why we’re here _?  _ We’re here now, because even the Stormtroopers forgot about us. Do you know what that  _ means?” _

“...No. But, please, tell me.”

“Peace. It means peace and  _ quiet. _ The Resistance has its place, and our respect, but we like things the way they are now, and having the Resistance here...we know it won’t stay that way much longer.” 

The assembly of locals grumbled alongside him. Ignoring them, she gave the man a stern look and shouted through the crowd.

“The Resistance has helped you; I heard that right, didn’t I? Then, please - have _faith_ that those _same_ people who kept you safe, will _still_ _be there_ when you need them. Our people need a home just as badly as you do. They’ve _forgotten_ what it’s like to have a home where they can raise their children, or to fall asleep in the same bed every night; their own bed. They don’t tend to stay in one place too long. As soon as we get to one place, we find out that somewhere in the galaxy, someone needs our help.”

“Yeah; because everywhere you go, the First Order is _ right  _ on your heels. You seek shelter in the wrong cave, hoping the  _ Wompa _ whose home it is won’t  _ eat you for breakfast!” _

A woman stepped out through the crowd, with sunken creases below her eyes, and a dreary frown carved into her face that had been stuck there for years. She wore a faded vest, a Resistance-granted blaster strapped to her thigh. “This man knows what he’s talking about. The First Order won’t lay low for long - they’re as bad as the Empire. Do you think they’ll care about sparing  _ one _ more city if they find out the Resistance is rebuilding here? Tell us what we can do. Give us a sign that the new recruits will be dispatched soon.” 

The longer she searched the crowd, the more Resistance members Rey recognized among them; the ones hanging onto Rey’s every word. The ones who  _ needed _ something to hang onto.

Rey stuttered and her fingers brushed against the sanded-down bark of her staff.

“What we  _ really _ want is to hear from Lady Organa,” the oil-handed heckler insisted. “Let her speak on behalf of the Resistance! You don’t have a  _ damn _ clue!” 

“That’s  **not** true. We’re doing  _ everything _ that we can. We’ll leave here as soon as we’ve gathered enough resources to leave; I  _ promise _ you!” 

“You’re still here?” he asked with a grimace and stepped forwards. “ **_Where_ ** is Lady Organa!?”

With one cry came a summoning of many more, until the crowd overwhelmed Rey’s voice with echoes of the General’s name. 

“You **_can’t_** see her. Leia has become ill, and if **_we_** don’t believe in what’s left of the Resistance, this _could_ be the last time she’ll hear your pleas. Don’t you understand? We **_need_** your help - all of you! Don’t delude yourselves into thinking you need more of a reason to care. If you _didn’t_ care, you wouldn’t _be here_ _at all!_ ” 

“Oh, I’ll _ show you _ how much I care.”

The heckler charged at Rey. She held her breath. It was too late to beg him not to. He held his boxy fist over her staff; she attempted to block him with it, but he didn’t stop there. His face turned red, his knuckles becoming white as he aggressively pushed the staff against her chest. Rey’s heel scuffed back over the ground, the friction giving him an advantage. 

“Please,” she said, gritting her teeth, trying to keep the pressure off. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m much…stronger than you think.” 

Rey’s heart dropped; the man hooked his short leg around her calf without much difficulty. She collapsed forwards onto her hands. After a moment on the ground, no one had tried to help her up, but the boots of a recruit - the girl with the blaster - darted past, screaming at no one for help.

 

* * *

 

 

Elegant pillars stood on either side of the raised bridge that led him to Rey’s door from the city walkways. A thick border, in glossy patterns of black stone and coarse, sand-colored diamonds, surrounded the wooden door. The suite was two floors tall, but lattice fencing lined every window, making them impossible to see through.

He’d taken some risk in narrowing down Rey’s location, skirting the commotion in midtown through run-down market streets, and the slums which had since fallen asleep. Luckily - if you could call that _ luck _ \- Rey’s building followed the outer quarters of the city. The high-up walkways and homes shouldered a steep cliff that dropped deep into the fog below. 

Without a window to look through, he stared at the door stubbornly. Was she was already asleep inside? Was she _inside_ to begin with? He checked over his shoulder at the silent walkways and back to the door again, clenching his fingers into a tightly wound fist and freeing them again.

A voice echoed from the walkways, not close enough to reach him, but close enough that he would have to hide. Kylo Ren twisted around; a figure materialized through the annoyance of thick fog. He couldn’t risk being caught; he jumped underneath the walkway, his boots sinking into the swampy grass. Moving in silence, he pressed his back to the damp wall. The footsteps came closer, passing above him, to stop at Rey’s door. 

Beads of sweat trickled down his neck. He focused on keeping his breath quiet. Closing his eyes, he waited for a sign of movement from the visitor above; the drawing of a weapon, the picking of a lock. If he decided them to be a threat, there was no question of whether or not he would act. Even if it meant surrendering his position - The Supreme Leader with a slim chance of avoiding Rebels in a city rampant with them, he could never stand there and do nothing. Only if he was offered no other choice; if he couldn’t move quick enough, he would need to warn Rey through the Force.

The visitor mumbled something to themselves. Even more unusual, they loitered around Rey’s doorstep longer than Kylo Ren had. “Yeah, I just noticed you were… No - please...it was nothing. Really. This? Ah, well, this was the _least_ I could do!”

Kylo Ren gradually stepped out of the shadow of the bridge and leaned far enough to one side to know  _ exactly  _ who stood there. That overly ambitious Resistance pilot; the one with a growing track record of narrowly escaping Kylo Ren’s assaults.

Poe cleared his throat; he held a lavish bouquet of long-stemmed flowers, orange and white and in full bloom. His footsteps neared the door, but then halted. No knocking; the faint sound of his breathing. Kylo flicked his fingers through the air, envisioning the barren city center. 

“Huh…” Poe said, blinking. “Ah, nevermind,” he said. “Tomorrow...yeah, tomorrow would be best.” 

The pilot autonomously lowered the bouquet of flowers to his side and slowly waded deeper into the fog, headed back in the direction from which he came.

The air held a wintry bite and the sky had deepened into a royal blue, free of clouds that could conceal ships as they dove into the atmosphere. Kylo Ren only sensed the presence of city folk filling the streets in the distance; the numbers had finally begun to thin out. It hadn’t been so quiet in...well, a long time. Almost too long to count the days. At least, not the kind of quiet that meant he would find himself dozing off or enjoying a few minutes of anything that allowed him a moment to relax. He always felt as if he was dodging his ghosts, turning every corner only to be reminded of them; the ghosts who had become as much a part of his life as anyone living. But, he felt different as he watched over Rey. Perhaps there was the slightest hint of pride in wondering,  _ ‘would she approve of this?’ _ It seemed like the right thing to do; something  _ she _ might do if she was faced with the same predicament. 

Perhaps he hadn’t realized the many feelings he’d grown for Rey...that she was worth more to him than having even just one world he could step foot on without immediately being recognized as Kylo Ren. She was the only one more important to him than himself, or any of the mentors of his past when he believed in them, for she had tried to show him another way; a man whose spirit might still be living in his soul. What a wild imagination she had.

Did she already know how he felt? Had she already interpreted it in her own way, and blocked him out for the fool that he’d been? A fool incapable of showing proof that he could change? Proof that he could be civilized? All of the behaviour he’d displayed in front of her had been pathetic; desperate and carnal, leaning on the darkness that had turned out to work seamlessly for survival - yes,  _ only _ survival. Survival; a volatile thing for all of his years. He hadn’t deciphered what made him go to such lengths simply to ‘live,’ a well of untapped power, in a cage from which he could do neither harm, nor good, but somehow, had allowed him to reach Rey. Since the day he’d crossed paths with her, Rey had become his conduit for a feeling that still tugged at the dregs of his spirit. Maybe he  _ could have _ changed, if it was even possible to learn to thrive on that feeling: a feeling that made him more alive than anything else; yet it was all-consuming. It was as powerful as his hatred, and the revenge he’d once found himself chasing down like a madman, if not  _ more _ powerful. Regardless of the name one gave it, it was a feeling against which  _ survival _ stood no chance. At the most pivotal crossroads of Kylo Ren’s life, Rey was always there. If she decided never to take his hand; if he chose to stick with the ways of his past; he had no real control over their future together. Without trying, his destiny would always lead back to Rey...and it would  _ end _ with Rey, whether she would choose to accept him, or face him when they met at his final crossroads.

Nothing had changed outwardly, but Kylo Ren’s heart thudded with a dull pain in and he staggered, allowing himself to fall back into the wall. Raindrops dripped onto his robe from his hood. On the far away plains, lightning bolts snapped from the sky to the horizon line. How nice it must have been to be inside.

He’d chosen some shady nooks as resting places in recent months, but he was cursed to find that his days living on the fleet had spoiled him. The outdoors were too unpredictable; too vast, and in the dead of night, made him uneasy. 

Sighing, he turned and glanced over his shoulder to Rey’s door. Instead, he saw her - her damp hair, eyes intent on something in the room. Kylo stuttered, but barely a sound came out. A bamboo tea tray with a white  candle floated along the surface of the bath water. A light splash nearly doused the flame castling a warm flicker of light over Rey’s glistening skin. Kylo stood still, his lips parting. He was still grounded in the grey swathe of grass outside, pressing himself so far back against the wall that the water squeezed out of his damp clothing onto his skin. Surely, this mirage wouldn’t last long; he could possibly hide from where he was standing.

Yet, the inviting steam warmed his face. Rey sighed and rolled out the kinks in her neck from where she lay in the tub, an antique model with more than enough room for a girl as small as Rey. He bit his lip and swore to himself he wouldn’t say a damn word - if only he could hang onto the moment a little longer - a rare time in which he could observe Rey in her indecency, unaware of his presence. She leaned forwards and ran a steaming cloth down her arm first and then over her knee. Water droplets followed the slope of her collarbone, trickling down her breasts, which until now, she’d kept well hidden from him. Kylo’s breath hastened. Long strands of Rey’s hair floated across the water, its surface painted a rosy pink, and she rested her neck against the rim of the bathtub. Her breasts appeared above the surface of the water, her soft nipples on display until they dipped underwater with each breath. He was fixated on the pink flesh of her nipples. His mind didn’t take long to wander.  Was her pussy the same vivid pink colour? Her cheeks had turned the same shade of pink, when in the interrogation room, he’d intentionally positioned himself to make them nearly cheek to cheek. Closer than a friend; as close as a lover, both an intimidation technique and in convincing himself that he might stand a chance at breaking her. Close enough to test his theory that he might succeed in making a girl like Rey - a presumed virgin - just stimulated enough to writhe around in her restraints.

He’d wondered before, about the curves of Rey’s body, always hidden underneath the Jedi’s robes. With a more satisfying image than anything his mind could come up with, it was hard to spurn his most dominating urge to reach down his pants. His current survival instincts were of a different type than he’d expected to run into; familiar to him, but Rey would find his repulsive behaviour completely irredeemable if he acted upon his current temptation. He’d thought himself to be well aware of the traits Rey possessed that had the ability to push him over the edge. Her endearing grin, her refusal to break under pressure...how transparent he’d become to her, and yet still she remained genuine, despite knowing, and witnessing, some of his greatest crimes. 

Yet, she was calm; too modest to have intentionally opened an invitation through the bond for Kylo to watch her bathe. 

Being alone had always been her natural way of life - ever since she’d been a young girl. But if that was true, why did she seem so... _ lost? _

 

* * *

 

 

The only sound in the subdued forest was a somber hymn, fading in and out. Kylo Ren’s step was lighter, as if his feet skimmed over an invisible sheet of ice above the ground as he walked. As he continued forwards, the leaves strewn across the forest path shuffled in the intermittent breeze - steely against his bare neck and carrying the smell of ash.  
There was a clearing somewhere ahead, and he followed the path towards where he thought it would be. He wasn’t alone; the presence had made his fingertips tingle. Such a presence beckoned him to stay, pushing him forwards despite the fear that this was all a trick; that it would lead him nowhere. 

Harsh rays of sunlight sprung out against the black silhouettes of leaves overhead. Dense swirls of smoke twisted through the treetops. Why else would he have awoken here? It had to be a trick. If this was some kind of mental prison, he would find his way out; he had done it before. 

A red light stemmed from beyond the treeline and spread across the entire forest bed. He’d almost reached the clearing, but he covered his eyes, a sharp pain tearing through his head, nearly blinded by a flash of obnoxious light. Following the sound of a wounded aircraft spiralling to its death, losing grip on its place in the sky, the pang of light had also flickered out.

From the crash site some feet away, plumes of smoke burst from the rubble that could no longer be called a ship - the orange and slate tail of a T-70 Starfighter. 

Swallowing, Kylo Ren lowered into the bushes, a cold sweat licking his forehead. No man could have survived that crash.  _ Why had he come here? Where was his backup? Were they going to just... _ **_leave_ ** _ his corpse there? Or would there be more pilots to follow? _

Crackling broke through the silence and the legion of trees. He craned his neck as a tree at the crash site swung and collapsed into the lush grass of the clearing he’d come close to approaching. Tufts of white pollen floated around him as he entered the clearing of tall grass. 

So he  _ hadn’t _ been wrong to have sensed a presence other than his own. Sitting near boughs of the fallen trunk, a girl was weeping...gasping for air. A girl with brown hair, and even through her tears, an accent that he recognized. 

“Rey!” he shouted. 

If it was a trick, they could find him, they could take away this ethereal appearance of Rey; he could handle it. But if it  _ was  _ her...

“Why are we here? I nearly lost you.”

Her shoulders shook in air-starved sobs. As he cut through the dark clearing, the grass created a wider path where his steps landed, bending away as if he had willed it from the Force. But that was the last thing on his mind.

Kneeling at Rey’s side, he stuttered and his jaw twitched to see her this way...to see her in tears, in a beaded white gown that exposed her shoulders and small neck. The only time he’d seen a gown like this…well, that was long ago. Back then, his eyes fixated on a royal stretch of carpet littered with petals - forgotten and stepped on. Guests older and taller than him marveled over them, everyone dressed in their best suits and silken, expensive threads that hugged their bodies. The bride and groom waded into a cheering crowd, followed by friends and family who had attended not only to bask in the extravagance, but to commit to the support that was begged of them.

“Rey, if you could just tell me what’s going on, I swear…”

With a hollow gaze, she glanced over her shoulder at him. When he could no longer control the trembling of his hands, he tossed his gloves into the grass and held his hands to her lukewarm cheeks. To lack the warmth of another person...the warmth that Rey  _ always _ had; this wasn’t right. His gut twisted unforgivingly. Maybe it was a trick, after all. Or, perhaps, this was the way Force had decided for them to meet, no matter of the moment they were stolen from. No matter how long it had kept them away from each other.

“This wasn’t supposed to be the end,” he said, gritting his teeth.

She looked into his eyes with damp lashes, her cheeks glistening from  tears. He ran his fingers gently through her hair as he grasped the back of her neck to bring her closer; to try to feel the warmth of her lips that would only disappoint him, because there was none.

Even if this Rey wasn’t the Rey who existed in reality, there  _ had to be _ a lasting bond keeping him there. This was as close as he could get to reaching her - to extend his affection, and she would decide what to do with it, whether she wanted this or not.

“It might be pointless, trying to tell you this. I don’t even know how this is going to get through to you…” He tried to project his thoughts to her, with as much pressure as he could, despite that the Force said nothing of her. “As soon as I had the chance, I was going to tell you that, I...” 

The drifting pollen that had led him to the clearing landed on the grass; the air had become clear of it. His eyes trailed up Rey’s skirt, where ashen spots had begun to burn into the tulle fabric. Droplets of flame fell from above, and panic crept up his spine. He gripped her shoulder and locked eyes with her, confused, but the flames vanished before ever touching her skin. It was a rain of fire; the same rain that had cascaded down on them in the deteriorating throne room. He’d proposed to her - inappropriately, completely out of line... and she had begged him not to go that way, but he didn’t listen.

 

* * *

 

 

Darkness had enveloped the sky when Kylo Ren awoke. Street lamps cast a dim light, the only remaining  light, over the deserted walkways. He couldn’t recall how long it had been since he’d closed his eyes.

Woven through the dense space of the Force,  a nurturing sigh tickled his ears, like waking to someone softly whispering his name; “Ben.” His fingers stretched out over the damp wall; he remembered that he was out in the open. The sigh spread a warm tingle through his limbs; an intoxicated sigh seated in his diaphragm became an exhale through his nose. The steam had relaxed him just enough to make his head lull over chest in a moment of sleep. He grunted, unable to react. His back was thrust against the wall, his hood flying up from his head.

“Ben?” Rey gasped, her eyebrows furrowed. 

Gravity returned as she released her grip around the base of his neck and stumbled back into the pool of clovers. “Why are you here?” 

Concern flashed in her eyes. She was so quick to change moods, Kylo Ren couldn’t discern her intentions. She’d wrapped a silk robe around her body, her dripping hair in dark ringlets.

“Rey...I - ah--” 

“How long have you been here?” she asked, looking down to make sure her robes were secured.

Kylo Ren instinctively scanned the walkway above, and her front door - of course, she’d carelessly left it open.  “I’ll explain once we’re inside.”

He twisted Rey around by the shoulders, a move that warranted a swift fist burying itself in his gut, but it seemed like a better option than giving her enough time to notice the apparent bulge in his pants.

Sighing, he closed the door behind them, double checking that it was locked before figuring out where he would start with Rey. The room was practically pitch black; only light enough to make out the shadows of the furniture. A white glow stretched from the glass patio doors at the far end of the room. Beside him, a door was open, and behind it, the flicker of candle light. A pile of clothing had been forgotten on the floor in there; a triangle of fabric - black lace, with a thin, frilled strap to secure itself over a woman’s hips; across the small of her back. He imagined how much skin it covered, or  _ didn’t _ cover, and cleared his throat. He clasped his hands together over his crotch. 

Rey stood in the darker part of the suite and looked up at him with wide eyes. He hadn’t moved from the entrance. “Your clothing is soaked...I’d appreciate it if you hung your cloak by the shower. Now, back to my question…” 

She wandered deeper into the room, towards the moonlit patio. Kylo Ren dropped his cloak and shadowed her, keeping what he thought to be a far enough distance not to make her feel threatened.  She turned on a lamp near her translucent canopy bed; the centerpiece of the lamp was made of two dimly glowing crystals, providing a reflective aura of blue and silver light to the room. 

Rey waited for a response from Kylo Ren, but instead he advanced to the patio doors and peeled back the delicate curtains to glance outside. Two moons shed a sharp light on the peninsula; the iridescent waves,  at their greatest height, nearly reached the peaks of spiraled rock formations below. The balcony was built over the cliffside; someone would be hard pressed to break in that way. 

“Please just tell me,” Rey insisted, becoming impatient.

Kylo turned to her from the window. Her robe covered only to her knees. He averted his eyes when he found his gaze wandering too far down her soft, but strong thighs.

“Tell you? Tell you what?” He blinked, wondering if his struggle to appear composed was paying off. 

“Did something happen? That’s why you’re here...isn’t it?” Rey curled her hair behind her ear; Kylo absently chewed his bottom lip.

“Yes - that’s the  _ only _ reason I’m here. Look,” he said, pacing, sifting his fingers through his tangled hair. “I made a mistake.”

“Say again?” Rey raised her eyebrows.

“I’m sure you remember when my ship malfunctioned. Well, I found out that my ship was being tracked...by The First Order.”

“Ben…” Rey’s eyes riveted with confusion. “Do you need my help? I thought…”

“No,” he sighed, his jaw tightening. He stepped closer, his eyes focused and clear in the pale moonlight. Glinting droplets fell from his hair to the marble floor. “That’s not everything. Rerouting my ship’s functions from the Falcon means that you were left vulnerable to be tracked. You and I know better than to think that they wouldn’t.” 

Rey wanted so badly to be angry with him, but that couldn’t compete with the panic settling in. She had already begun to calculate the possibilities of what she would need to do next.  _ How long had they been tracking her? To here?  _

“How did you find this out?” she asked.

“The First Order must have come up with an aggressive way to switch the comms off on my ship. But there’s something they don’t realize.  _ I _ can receive transmissions from the fleet.” He moved closer. “Rey - I can listen in on them.”

“ **No** …” she said, obviously distraught by this new information. “Why would you even attempt such a thing? What if that’s how they tracked you to begin with? By transmitting to them-”

“Wait,” Kylo said in a low voice. “They may know the inner workings of my ship, but I’ve made enough modifications now that they won’t be able do that again. Also...I’ve already transmitted a warped signal.”

“A warped signal?” Rey scoffed and clawed at her damp hair. 

“You’ll just have to trust me when I say that the Falcon is clear.”

“So, you came here to warn me...by standing out there...in the rain,” Rey said, raising her eyebrow. “How long were you waiting outside?”

“Long enough to know I could find you inside if I wanted to,” he said, his eyes despondent.

_ Wanted to...? _ She’d come too close already to surrendering her emotions to Ben at different times; she’d nearly blurted out her recent fears around him, but with the entire Resistance depending on her? If she remained unsure of her trust in him, Ben would be the first to recoil in response. Different from his previous emotional outbursts, this visit reminded her of his skittish, paranoid behaviour. If she was supposedly ‘safe’ then why was he constantly looking over his shoulder?

“Ben, what’s scaring you like this? If The First Order really wants to reach me, you  _ won’t _ be able to stop them. _ If _ being the key word.” 

“Then why do I feel the need to protect you? Like no one else will be able to keep you safe?”

Rey pursed her lips. Why did he have to care so much? The only person in the galaxy who always seemed to remember her, no matter how much distance the war had tried to put between them, was Finn...but Finn was a friend. She’d never thought of  _ Ben _ as a ‘friend.’ They had never acted as friends, and she didn’t see that changing any time soon.

“I don’t need your protection anymore. A few months ago, you would’ve told me that wanting someone to protect me was a weakness.”

“Maybe…” he paused in thought. “But there’s another side to it. Back then, I couldn’t see what was truly at stake. I don’t know what I’m doing; why I’m here. I do know that, compared to all of the other places I could find myself standing right now, this is the best one.”

“...Do you really mean that?” Rey noticed the narrowing of his eyes; the emotion behind his words that could have meant anything. It could’ve been a plot; manipulation - but he’d thrown too much pride to the wayside for it to be insincere. “Just so that the both of us are clear, I still don’t  _ need _ someone to protect me…” her voice softened, “but thank you.”

She sighed and eyed up Kylo Ren’s drenched robes. “You should have a bath. I’ll make sure the water is still hot.” 

“No - I interrupted. Please. I’m fine.” 

“...Are you going to wait there?”

Kylo Ren looked behind him for a place to sit, remembering the cushioned bench against the wall. His eyes switched to Rey again. “I might.”  

After a few minutes of waiting in silence, Rey called out softly from the bath, the door between them remaining shut. He was next to it in an instant. She wanted someone to talk to, and as strange as it felt, he eventually slid to the floor on the other side of the wall. He listened to her stories about slaving away on Jakku, even mentioning how ridiculous Luke would find their current situation. Some of the weight of his death seemed to be lifted off of her spirit since the last time she dared bring him up in their conversations. Thankfully, Kylo sensed that he was nowhere near.

When she startled him by swinging the door open, he was halfway through a white lie about the last time he’d been on one of the many surviving First Order cruisers - most of the details were there; he simply neglected to tell her how long it had been since then.

He fumbled over his long legs to stand, barely catching her milky silhouette as she floated straight past him and dove under her sheets. 

“Someone... _ tried  _ to attack me today,” she said in a faint voice.

Somehow, Kylo pushed aside the dramatic assumptions that appeared like a flurry in his mind. He knit his brow; why hadn’t she told him of this sooner?

“Did you see them?” he asked, stepping out of the hallway. He moved no closer than the foot of the bed.

“It’s no one you’re thinking of. A local citizen. He was angry...all of them were. Angry at me...and The Resistance - and they have every right to be.”

“Give people long enough without someone to spew their dissatisfaction onto, and that’s what happens. Still, I wasn’t aware that the public had become your responsibility.”

“I help whenever they need me, but I’m not cut out for this. I’m not some... _ Senator _ , or some... _ charismatic _ figurehead.” 

“You don’t have to prove anything. You’ve done more for them then they could ever do for you. I pity the man who tried to harm you...he’s probably crying as we speak.”

Rey smiled, burying her cheek in a fortress of pillows. 

“Ben?” 

“...Yes?” he asked, his eyes jumping to her despite that he would rather not stare.

“Tell me before you leave.” 

The sheets of Rey’s bed shifted around as Rey settled in and became motionless on her side. Losing count of the hours, Kylo Ren watched her drift in and out of sleep. When she was alone, most nights, she would be tossing and turning. She might have even accepted by this time that she just wasn’t going to get any sleep at all.

The sun had already disappeared hours ago, and the moon had travelled out of sight, fully enveloping the villa in darkness. Kylo Ren’s eyes sunk lower, but he fought to stay awake, keeping it in the back of his mind that this was not a place he could stay. He couldn’t stay on this World, or the next...he knew where he would be going next.

Through blurred eyes, he peered beyond the balcony across the tumultuous waves of night green. His muscles relaxed into the less than ideal bench Rey, he would’ve found the bench to be more than satisfactory.

Kylo Ren’s eyes blinked open at the sound of a faucet dripping in the bathroom. His hand had instinctively wrapped around the lightsaber at his side, but Rey lay motionless, her naked leg wound around the bedding. Shrugging off the anxiety of catching himself having fallen asleep, he naturally honed into the strongest of his senses, the kind that might even allow him to sense a realm usually guarded at all angles. The fortress around it was more malleable this time, but only so much that it bent upon his attempts at entry, never enough to let him in. Even in Rey’s sleep, she could keep him out if she wanted to.

He stretched as he rose to his feet and wandered the hall to pull his damp robes over his shoulders again. Beside the bed, he held the lightsaber in one hand; its crystal was not one that called to him, and it wouldn’t be one that could gift him the endurance he needed if he had any desire left to survive the coming months.

Drawing in a long breath, he submitted to the idea that the legacy of such a lightsaber would continue on in someone else’s hands; not someone of his family’s blood, but the only one worthy of wielding it. He gently released his grasp of the hilt as he placed it on the bed beside her, but his eyes quickly darted to Rey’s. Her arm had snapped across the bed, her fingers splayed over the hilt, touching the folds in her sheets. Of course, the first thing she would see was Kylo Ren hovering over her with his all-too-expressive eyes.

“Is this?” 

“Yours,” he said, quickly abandoning the bedside. “I wanted to help you for my own reasons, but this…” he paused in the hallway, second guessing himself for a moment. “This will help you in the times that I can’t. Keep it close.”

“You’re leaving?” she asked, sitting up hazily, wishing she hadn’t allowed herself to sleep for so long. The room was still dark, and if she had to guess, it couldn’t be later than three AM. “It can’t be morning already. Ben?”

“I think I’ve stayed long enough. If I don’t leave now, they’ll go from  world to world until they find you.” 

“I’ve tried to understand, but I just don’t know anymore with your secrets and your mysteries. Who you’re helping - if it’s me, _and_ them, tell me - _where_ does that leave ** _you_** **?** ” 

“I have some ideas. Like most things, they’re probably better left unsaid. Consider this my apology...but, our mistakes? Our  _ decisions _ ...they don’t end there. I’ve covered all my bases now. If you should fail, that rests on your shoulders. I’ve given you the tools to fulfill your destiny, whatever that may be. If I should fail...well. This is my own doing. I’ve accepted what I am - what I  _ was _ . You’re the only one who could ever see me as anything else.”

“Ben - I _ love _ you.”

“You can’t love someone you don’t know,” he said, turning away from her so that she couldn’t meet him eye to eye. “ _ Rey _ ...promise me you won’t be so  _ DAMN foolish!” _ he spat, suddenly tensing up as if he’d sensed an immediate threat.

“But, I  **do** know you. I know a man who gave me no other choice than to be strong. Maybe one day,” Rey said, her lip quivering, hoping that somehow her words might stand the smallest chance of reaching him. “He’ll give me the chance to tell him the many other great things I know about him.”

“Rey...the person you think you’re in love with? I thought he was still alive, too. I tried to bring him back; I looked everywhere for him. The only thing I found was that he was never real. Never will be. That...person. To love him would be a complete waste of time…” He reached for the doorknob. “You don't love me. What we have; it isn’t love. You’re just confused.” 

“I know my heart better than you do,” Rey said, her eyes watering as she hurried, not to reach him, but see him outside. He’d already slipped out, the wood of the door frame splintering as he slammed the door behind him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone so much for waiting for Chapter 5 to come out. I had a hell of a time with this one, but hopefully it's satisfactory. Thank you for your comments so far and I hope to see them again as I progress. Hope you are all well, and enjoying the summer months. Hang in there!~ 
> 
> \- Jack

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I really hope you enjoy this and subscribe to read more! Comments/Kudos are always appreciated as long as they're constructive or kind-hearted.  
> So, I began writing this both because I wanted to return to fanfic and challenge myself, and because of a prompt my friend showed me last month (I believe she found it on tumblr):  
> "Imagine Kylo reaching out, taking Rey’s face into his hands and pulling her in for a kiss, just to have her vanish the moment their lips touch- she shut the bond in a panic, leaving Kylo there alone- hands grasping at nothing and teeth bearing down on his lips in frustration. "
> 
> Two more parts to come after this that are mostly written. It's a bit of a slow burn and actually has a plot (before we get into the erotic parts,) but if you enjoy that kind of thing please stick around as I'm planning on seeing this through to the very end. If you want to talk more I have Discord, but try to go through Tumblr or here first:  
> http://supremeleaderbutttouch.tumblr.com
> 
> Also, if you're interested in beta reading at all, ever, and have some of your own SW fanfic, contact me directly! I have great support but having more is even better!
> 
> Cheers, x  
> \- Jack


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